FYI. I'm not bitter.

It's crazy how people think that I'm going bitter all the time. Well, I can't help it if I really stopped believing in that stupid concept called love and my advices are always for the betterment of women for I am a feminist. It's been more than 8 months since the break up and it seems everyone is still caught up in the issue, but it doesn't mean that I'm bitter! No I am not! BUT EVERYBODY THINKS I'M BITTER. Like, WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?!? Yes, I maybe agitated sometimes and loud, but that's really how I roll. I can't help it. It doesn't mean that I give realistic advices, I'm still bitter. I concede to the fact that I AM FREAKING COMPETITIVE. But, give me a break. I already admitted that the break up was my fault. I took full blame! You are in a happy relationship and I am still in a freaking state of fright from commitment. What else do you want from me honestly? I am really trying to move on. Like real time move on, but I can't get you. I really can't. I thought you've forgiven me already but why can't you shake my hand to cross the house? Why do you keep looking at me (yes, I noticed you and there are pictures to prove it) And, why shake my friends'  hands? Why were you affected during dinner about the comments I've been making? What else do you want from me? Why can't we just be civil and professional? You told me that were okay, we broke up and it seemed like we were okay. I didn't want to talk to you nor say hi 'cause I keep on considering that I don't want to cause any drama or I might seem like flirting you or anything. I also don't want to give your girlfriend a reason to harass me on facebook or anything. I'm done with the drama. What I can't understand is that why are you affected????? What the hell???? You have a girlfriend who loves you and I'm freaking working hard to get over you. Just... I don't know... It's so hard.... I really don't know....

Finding you

December 21, 2012

The Mayan Calendar says it’s the end of the world. I don’t believe it though. But with that prediction given, I spent my Mayan last day of existence with my high school best friends at the UST Paskuhan 2012. Yup, I chose to spend my last day on the Mayan earth not with my family, but with my besties, and the long lines, the OPM bands and amazing fireworks. Honestly, I just wanted to grab that 0.99% chance of seeing you again. I thought that last year, you went with your friends, maybe, I might be able to see you, before the world ends (if ever). Seeing my best friends again after one semester was like we never parted. The feeling was as if we were always around each other (which we were theoretically). The band that was playing when we got in the UST grounds was Join the Club. I could clearly remember you recounting your bitter stories about the drummer that was supposed to be the band mate of your cousins so that they’d be able to reach stardom but he chose that other band. I couldn’t tell it to my friends ‘cause they’d think I’m being emotional again, recounting memories of you. They sang their one hit single “nobela” which was such a happy song (did you see my sarcasm there). I was looking around my surroundings hoping I’d see you or your friends or whoever but of course you weren’t there. I didn’t see you, with all the people and noise and the probability of you going to the event. It was just impossible. Afterwards, December Avenue played, never heard of them though. And then Mayonnaise, you love ‘em. I… partied with their song “Jopay”, if I could sing that song to you, I would, and I would mean every word of it… (did you see the desperation there? Yes, like a hopeless romantic fool. This what happened to me after you left) After that was the AMAZING FIREWORKS. At first, the fireworks… sucked. It was like… BLAH. But then when the real Thomasian Paskuhan fireworks displayed, it was breath-taking. How I wish you could see it. You would love it. And I would love the view more, if you were just around. The amazing 5 minute spectacle seemed like forever, and for a while, I forgot the loneliness as the fleeting lights entertained my lonely heart. It’s been more than 7 months since we broke up. And to me, it still seems like everything happened yesterday. PATHETIC, I know. After the amazing show, Paraluman was next to play their songs, another band with just a one hit wonder. But it seemed like people really knew their songs, is it just me and my friends or the crowd is really… updated? After Paraluman, your favourite band (insert sarcasm) SPONGECOLA was next. My friends verified that you would never come to an event with spongecola in it. With all the four songs that they played, I NEVER sang to any of it. I just stood there, imagining what your reaction would be if you were there. Maybe you would be jumping with sarcasm and cursing left and right but you’d look at me with those gorgeous eyes and still… make me fall in love all over again. I had to hit myself a couple of times to wake up from the hallucination I was experiencing. I wanted to like the band, party with the songs they played that really suck but how do I let go of something I’ve grown to hate? Something you taught me, something that defined the music that I should like? All those somethings I should just throw them away? To think about it, If I couldn’t let go of the principles and habits I’ve grown to love and hate with you, how the hell will I be able to let go of you? To let go of the memories of you? To let go of my feelings for you? How? If I couldn’t at least try or I am not able to do it, will I ever be able to move on from you? After the event, the world did not end. I was hoping though, so that I wouldn’t need to think about what just happened with my night. There were lovers, left and right, all around the area. IT WAS TORTURE, believe me (which would be difficult to do after that twisted thing that I did to you). Well, all I really wanted to say is… that I miss you still, a lot. And that I’m still not over you. Maybe I will never be.

Visiting you...

I'm supposed to be asleep by now. But I realized that I haven't been writing lately in my journal. So I had to trace back everything I did since Oct. 1 up to present. I couldn't recall some dates so I decided to go online and check on some of my old posts so I could remember what I have been doing lately. As i browsed my Facebook pages, I visited our school page and followed a certain post. I saw your name as I scrolled down the comments box and you had a different profile picture. My heart skipped a beat. It wasn't the same feeling though 5 months ago when every time I saw your name I just couldn't breathe and my being seizes to function properly. I thought to myself, I should face my fears. Well, I don't fear you, but... I fear on what I might see. So I just went for it. I visited your profile and saw your gorgeous smile, usual cover photo. Its odd on how checking your profile before was as simple as eating or sleeping, it was like a habit. But now, it was... weird, like a forbidden thing to do. Well, it might help me face the reality that things have changed and won't be the same anymore. It's taking me a long time I think. At least, your happy pictures give me and

I haven't done it in a while, it lasted for a second but still it has the same paralyzing effect. Seeing you on the screen made me feel that you did existed once in my life, but pressing the back button made me realize how swiftly you also left. 

But even though I've pressed the back button doesn't mean i won't be visiting it again, not any time soon but it won't be the last visit.

Seeing you in him...

It's been five months and fifteen days. And here I am again, contemplating about you. Well, my semester ended last October 12, 2012. It was a hell of a day. The next day, on my way to school, while riding a jeep, I saw a guy who looks like you, except that he is a little bit lighter than you. I looked at him from time to time and I really felt attracted. But then, I realized, am I attracted to this guy because I am simply attracted to him, or because he is so much like you? As I stared at him more, I realized that I was noticing  the little details he has that you also have, the way he dresses himself, the way he moves, the way he touches his hair while looking around. And then it hit me. I'm attracted to this guy, because he reminds me so much of you. Until later on, I saw him do some sign language with his friends. He's deaf. I was really shocked. He is perfect. And when I found out that he is deaf, I was really affected. I thought of you more. What if three years from now, you'd be deaf? Would I still be feeling this way towards you? I started crying (subtle crying still in the jeep), tears flowed from my eyes. What if you were disabled? Mute? Deaf?  Paralytic? Would I still be head over heels with you? I knew deep in my heart that nothing would change, that I will still be here for you. A more bizarre thought came into me, what if you needed an organ transplant? Kidney? Liver? HEART? I am so sure that I would be willing to give mine in a heart beat, without thinking twice. Nobody knows about this of course, it's crazy that I'm even posting about this. You know what? In my wallet, I left a note for you. Our high school graduation picture is still in my wallet, and there is a note at the back, so WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME, look for it okay? Anyway, I got to listen to some of your self-produced songs, Imbecilisque was a really good choice. You and her sounded good together :) She really has a nice voice. Well, when I read the captions "kasama ko ang pinakamamahal ko"... I was... speechless. I knew that you truly loved this girl. Who am i to... never mind. They say that I should start dating or focus with my academics. Well I'm taking the second advice. I really hope your happy, well I do know your happy. At least one of us is happy. But... I'm really trying though.

This post is freaking random I know, but basically, its a journal entry dedicated to you.

It still aches

Sept 24,, 2012 3:40am

I woke up out of the blue. It’s been 4 months and 2 weeks since we broke up. Still the feeling is the same, only worse. How I wish I could stop the freaking pain from taking away my sanity and everything in me. We saw each other three days ago. At the jeep, you seemed happy to see me. I was shocked to see you since I was thinking of you before traveling to la la land. When I opened my eyes, I saw your beautiful face smiling at me. It was the same mischievous smile that leaves me breathless. It was so surreal that I was dreaming of you and when I opened my eyes you were there. You were still the same person to me, the same clothes, same shoes, same bag, same mannerisms, everything. But I certainly felt that you had a different heart.  I on the other hand, chose not to talk to you. I didn’t know what to say.  I was scared to ask you how you were doing and are you still together with her. I thought in my head,” something I don’t know won’t hurt me”, so I kept my piece. I seemed to be a totally different person. I was wearing my short hair with bangs, my top was a black polo, I had a different bag, and I was awfully silent but obviously, with the same heart, a heart that longed for you and wanted to go with you wherever that place is. But I turned away from you. Not because of pride, but because… I knew that you belonged to someone else. I was shaking the whole time. My insides felt like burning. I wanted to stare at you, embrace the moment that finally I get to see you after a long time. But I didn’t.  memories came crashing in my head that the last time we rode a jeep together, we were holding each other’s hands tightly, you sleeping on my shoulder… both of us crying because it hurts so much. Now were just strangers again. And the pain inside me still lives on. I kept on blaming fate, for when I felt that I have finally moved on, he throws you back into my life in the most subtle way… and instantly I fall apart. That day, I wasn’t able to function well. I don’t want you back in my life right now. I want you to stay away from me. Even though you didn’t mean to see me at all, still just stay away from me. Run away from me, stay with her.  Two days later, thoughts of you flooded my mind. The possibility that we could get back together or maybe you’re single again or maybe you realized that it’s still me that you want. It made me happy, still at the moment. But then I realized that I had to do something to wake me up from this delusion. Yesterday, I went to the computer shop to submit my application for a certain program. I searched for her. I had to see your pictures. And there, I saw the two cover photos, the one with the heart and the one with the collage she made for you. WOW. You too are still facebook friends. Reason came back to me. What was I thinking? Even though your status is blank and you are using your usual cover photo again doesn’t mean that you two broke up already. How pathetic of me. NO IM NOT STALKIN YOU NOR HER. I just needed to see something that could help me wake up from this impossible dream.  I was silent that night. No tears came out of my eyes, for tears are not enough to relieve the pain I am feeling right now.  I fell asleep. Sleep was the only escape. And here I am, awake in the wee hours of the morning, typing another entry about how weak I am. I read the last conversation we had in facebook. It brought me to tears. The pain won’t stop. The pain… is still here. The pain… just wants to kill me, take everything away from me. I don’t want any other person to come and save me. Nobody could actually replace you.  When I graduate from college, I will graduate with honors, be as gorgeous and talented as you are and seize every possibility there is in life. And when that day comes, when all these dreams are realized, I will fight for you. I will take you back, even though you are with another person, I will win your heart back. For now, I have to fight my own war, a war against all odds. I will prove myself to you that I am worth it, that you belong with me. I love you so much. Always have, Always will.

Being Nineteen after Love...

     Well, I just turned nineteen folks! Last year was a roller coaster ride for me, especially the last quarter of my 18th year of existence. Entering college was a big culture shock for me, especially that I passed the entrance exam of a prestigious university. I was loved by my friends and someone very special to my heart, I was doing okay. Well, at that time, I had simple dreams. It all was focused on him. Let's call him RB. Finish college, work hard so that I could save for law, he would be a computer engineer, I'd be a lawyer. We'd still be together and live happily ever after. Done. But everything changed when he fell out of love. It was like the world ended. Everything I planned and thought of, just fell apart. After two weeks of not talking to me, he had a new girl which made everything worse. So I thought... what's next for me? I was walking on a thin sheet of glass. It really wasn't easy. Seeing other people in love and happy and sweet wanted me to just shoot them all. There were times I wanted to drown myself in sorrow and wouldn't want to wake up the next day. But that all changed when classes started. I saw myself as a strong woman. I'm a working student, a good friend and an interesting person. I couldn't let myself dwell in the past like this and waste all my God-given talents. So, I went out with friends, watched a movie, joined the best organization in school, and studied really hard. I also ventured on song writing and singing again. I got to stop lying to my parents and open up to them on what is really going on with my life. And the best part of this continuous journey is that I came back to God. I started praying and worshipping him again. After all this being said,  I discovered a new me. Ariesa. Ariesa who no longer enclosed her life in a guy. Ariesa who dreams out of the box and is very much ready to take on the world. I now see myself in a different light. No, I have not yet completely healed for some of the chains of my past still tie me down, but I'm a working progress. Life didn't end for me after love. The end of it made me start to love myself and the life that is still ahead of me. And now that I just turned 19, I'm hungrier than ever to explore the world and embrace the fierceness of being single. I'm not ready for any romance just yet, but I'm hoping and praying that the next guy who makes me fall in love would be the guy I would finally say 'I DO' to. And I'm willing to wait for a long time for the right guy to come along. :)

A night away from the flood

   It's 1 a.m., and I'm at my student's house. Aug. 7, 2012, a monsoon surge hit the Philippines causing me to spend three days and two nights at her place. We got to study some piano pieces and spend some time together as if we were like sisters. It's very difficult to be at a very comfortable place knowing that your family is suffering at your very own home. At my home, my family is stranded at the second floor. The flood reached our bathroom, kitchen, dining area and living room with a depth of almost two and a half feet. Being here at her place, I get to experience the high life, air-conditioned rooms, maids serving us good food, unlimited access to the internet (sorry, i don't have the luxury of being on-line twenty four seven. I'm not that type), just playing the piano, practicing to use a hair iron to curl my hair, share tons of stories and eat to my heart's content. It was like a different world inside their palace. Away from the chaos people were experiencing, with the flood, hunger, loss of homes and lives. It was as if I was living in a different country. This is how the rich embrace the calamities. It was as if nothing was wrong. Everything was just the way they were before, during and after disasters. When everybody outside their walls were clamoring for help and food, here we are (as if i belong to this cluster) sitting safe and sound. Sharing this piece of life simply by chance. I came back after a night since I had no other place to go. Yes, it was very embarrassing for me to ask for help and shelter but I had no other logical choice. They were rich, and seemed like willing to help. I am blessed to be safe. I am blessed to be around people who I am not related to but are very much willing to help. After all this chaos, and when my family is able to look for a stable home, I will be continuing the fight I have started a long time ago, my fight against pimples. After all the stress and chaos, acne is here to strike again with a worse vengeance.