Monday, September 8, 2014

Everything written is about you

Who would've thought that we would get to to this? We both knew for a point that we may not make it this far and yet here we are. There are a thousand mushy things I want to say to you but I am out of words. Well, I think I've said them all in our first month together but I still want to say the same things over and over again to you...

You are the most surreal guy I've ever met. I think, second to my dad you have this patience that could stretch so long every time I would throw a tantrum or switch to my "emo mode". Even though it was actually my fault, you wouldn't let the day pass without us being okay even if it means that it's you who should say sorry. But you are different from the rest not because of that.

You couldn't lie to me. You have no capabilities of lying to me 'cause you know you would give it away anyway. I really appreciated you keeping my wrecked then favorite wallet and having it repaired because you know how attached to it I am. And though I could easily catch you when you are cooking up some surprise, you still risk it anyway. But you are different from the rest not because of that.

You would go to war for me. This year was a year full of misunderstanding and losing and regaining people but you made sure that if someone hurt me bad you'll be there for me. There were times I was faced with conflict and you chose to let me handle my battles and I thank you for that great deal of self restraint. You respected my capability to handle difficult people and situations and still made me feel that you're by my side. But you are different from the rest not because of that.

You bring me to these quirky places. Instead of going to those posh places, we would find the most decent looking carinderia and enjoy dinuguan, bicol express, and adobo. We enjoy each others company whatever the setting or situation may be. How I miss those random bus trips to provinces we don't know how to get to or from but I know we'll soon have time in our hands to enjoy all those. This made me appreciate you more, but you are different from the rest not because of that.

You are SUPER UNDERSTANDING. I could not over emphasize this but truly it's so amazing how you understand all my commitments, responsibilities and perspectives. You choose to stay despite all the stress I put you through. You adjust to everything that I do just so we could spend time together. Thank you for all those late nights you still opt to wait for me, to make sure I ate dinner since I thought eating was optional lately, for making me sane when dealing with stressful scenarios. But still you are different from the rest not because of that.

I could write all day thanking you for all the big and little things you do, for singing to me every day, for critiquing my clothes 'cause you want the world to see the best version of myself, for accompanying me to the hospital when I'm not okay, for being mushy and sweet consistently, for everything. All these things I see and appreciate and everyday I am thankful that you still choose to stay.

You may have it easier, find someone else who is not as stressed and committed to extracurricular work but still here we are counting months. I am one hell of a train wreck and yet you still see the beauty in all these hard rock facade. 

I'm not going anywhere. I'm perfectly fine here with you so you shouldn't, we shouldn't be afraid. All you need to know is I love you. It's as simple as three words and eight letters and as profound as all those classical love stories mankind has. I love you more than all the sleepless nights I spend for IGNITE, PGGS and academics combined. I fall in love with you everyday over and over again and I don't care what other people would say about what we have. I look forward to waking up next to you everyday seeing the light of day caress your face and you smiling back at me. I'm sorry for being this crazy, workaholic girl but never forget that you are part of everything that I do and will hopefully accomplish. You are my rock. Never forget that.

Basically what I'm trying to say is... I love you <3 Here's to more months of happiness and craziness :)

Friday, September 20, 2013

Rants of a Dog Lover

It has been a while since we got to go out. Well, I think it was the last random thing we did together and after that, a space just existed. I wanted to believe that it was just a phase and that everything will just go back to the way it used to be. I guess I was wrong.

You were never the type of person to be tied down by other people, even by the people you consider as friends. When you want something, you go get it and I respect you for that. You know that I will always support you with everything that you want and will do in your life. But there is a part in me, a selfish part of me that wanted you to stop somehow and see the beautiful things that you have accomplished and that you need not to prove more.

There is this selfish part in me that wants to tell you that "Hey, I really want to spend time with you, but I think you're too busy to notice." I've been going the extra mile to make you feel that I am here waiting for you and that when all else fails, you could talk to me and have a relaxed normal life. Just the way we were during those times we wouldn't care about the world and just chill. Besides the fact that I wanted to spend more time with you, I was worried about you. (you know that) I never understood your need of affiliating yourself with a thousand others when in fact you are treasured here in your chosen few. Are we not enough to keep you happy and busy? Are the existing people and family and friends and attachments and affiliations that you have are not enough to keep you satisfied and whole? Why do you keep on searching for more?

I think that no matter how hard I try to attempt to understand what is running inside your head, I'll never get to grasp it since you won't let me in. Even though that I know you love me (as am I that's why I'm writing this to you) to death and that you will support with me with anything and everything that I do, I want you to know that you have limitations, that you are human, and like the President of the Philippines and the richest and smartest man in the world, you only have twenty-four hours in your hand a day. That you have a family to love, a God to revere, relationships to nurture, your dog to play with, your hobby of reading books, LAW school to prepare, academics to tend to, organizations to love, YOUR FREAKIN HEALTH LIKE HELLO YOU ARE NO SUPERHERO  and THREE OTHER CRAZY FRIENDS TO BE CRAZY WITH.

I just want you to know, that we are here for you, that the time we have to spend together every day is counted and that the clock is ticking for us. We only have three more semesters to go and I want you to enjoy every minute of it since after this, we will be busy working for the rest of our lives. We still have so much to do in our bucket list. Wouldn't you want to look back to a college life that you seriously enjoyed and made the most out of it?

Our friendship will not change no matter what road you choose. If you still opt to wander to uncharted areas of your life, I will respect and support you. I'm not asking you to change, I just want you to realize... that we are still and we will always be waiting for you... to go back to Intramuros and eat isaw at mayon.

In short, I miss you girlie.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

I can't risk losing you

It all hit me without any warning. I just woke up one day realizing that it was you all along.

It wasn’t love at first sight. It wasn’t also a sort of development. There were no sparks every time I’m with you. There was even no instance before this when I thought of you in THIS way. It just suddenly hit me. 

I was falling for you.

I couldn’t even remember how we got here. Well, how I got here in this situation. I was so certain that I won’t be falling for anyone else after the most TRAUMATIZING phase of my life. (Of course you know that, you were one of the people who got sick of my pathetic story) You were just always there for me. Somehow, you saw the best and the worst in me and yet you still chose to stay as my friend. 

I just had to share it to the world. This curious feeling that I had, this strong attraction that I had for you and yet I know it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to see me in the same light as I see you. I know deep down in my soul that we shouldn’t, we couldn’t that we mustn’t entertain such thoughts. We were in a situation that was comfortable for the both of us. I’m not even sure if you’re aware of what I’m writing about.  I myself am kinda confused still. But somehow a part of me is telling me that I should stop. 

I’d rather have the security of you being my friend for the rest of my life, growing old together and calling each other friend and our usual petnames rather than having you as someone I could call mine and lose you along the way. I just can’t. I gambled once in my life and I lost a dear friend with this fad of being in a relationship. But now, I’m not risking it. I just can’t

I can’t risk losing you.

Monday, May 27, 2013

It's been a year

It was a usual early morning. I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. I reached for my phone to hit the snooze button since I didn’t care if I get late or what. I was a bit annoyed that I had to draw this security pattern on my phone to just make the ringing stop. And I saw the date on my phone

May 9, 2013 - It’s already been a year. Exactly a year.

You won’t even know I’ve written a story about us. You wouldn’t care. Because you’re you. You would think that me writing this is pathetic and sad. You won’t care. Because you’re you. And you’re now in love with someone else.

We were in first year high school the first time I saw you. I was with Chris when we were walking around the school grounds. We saw you playing volleyball with your other classmates who were also fond of that weird sport. I liked your now-best friend Lou back then. You were tall dark and skinny, very much in contrast to the tall, white and chubby characteristics of Lou. You had dark skin, funny, fuzzy, curly hair.  I didn’t care about your existence. It was an ordinary encounter.

Until.

May 28, 2009 - Now we are band mates. A good friend introduced me to you. She said that you would be the new guitarist in our band. It was the first time that I would be singing an OPM song. I didn’t like OPM songs. They’re corny, baduy and jologs (just like you). But since you were our mentor and the newbie in the group, you get to choose the song. As the vocalist, I had no idea on how to sing the song you chose. I was nervous. You were known to give arrogant, sarcastic and insulting remarks. I knew I was out of tune. I tried though, to get it right. I was preparing myself for the nasty comments. You walked towards me. Now my heart is racing, I hate the feeling of being corrected (my pride and ego is too big for that, I’m sure you know that). You smiled at me. “It’s okay Ate Rhie, you’ll get the tune, I know. You have such a good voice, do you know that?”. And my heart skipped a beat ”…. Where were the insults? The nasty remarks? Why are you so freaking charming? What the hell is this...” All these thoughts came crashing in my head. You’re the first guy who appreciated my voice. It’s crazy since I was just dumped by my best friend. I was not whole. And you came into my life just when I badly needed an ambulance, and you arrived on time.

July 1, 2009 - Here we are; closer friends. Since May, we’ve been hanging out more often. You’d always wait with me for my school bus to arrive and share insights about music. I did not understand a thing at all every time you would attempt to teach me some basic stuff about keys and scales, but I liked seeing that enthusiasm in your face. I liked the way it lights up every time you would speak of notes and chords. We chat more often too, talking about random stuff. One day, you invited me to an event. I tagged along with you and your friends to watch a public concert. Though we were not super close, you accommodated me well enough, more than enough. We had difficulty in finding a good spot for us to watch, so we walked around from time to time to find the best view possible. We’ve been standing for a couple of hours since there were no seats available. I could feel your pain with your legs since you’ve been shifting your weight more often. I asked you to lean on me, but since you were shy and we were not that close yet, you declined. Instead, I was the one who leaned on your shoulder. I smelled your scent, no perfume, just you. I could stand there all night. It felt right.

Until my mom called. I was panicking.  I knew I was a bit of a headache to you since I had to go home a bit earlier when the concert was just midway. I was like a toddler who did not know what to do and where to go. I wanted to finish the concert but my mom kept on calling me. I wanted to finish the concert so bad. But I knew that I’d be in big trouble if I did not go home right now. Despite the panic that I felt, you convinced me to finish just one more song.  The artist now on stage was Rico Blanco, your favourite singer. He was the performer I was looking forward to see. We stayed for one more song. He was amazing. You were amazing. After one song, you accompanied me to the tricycle station even though your friends were getting mad and you were missing good parts of the show.  I never regret going home late that night. If only you could remember this memory the same way that I do.

“You can thank you stars all you want but, I’ll always be the lucky one…” (RB) (this was the song playing on the background while you were walking me home)

July 14, 2009 –We now have a new group of friends with the other students who stayed late after classes. We would go to places and walk around and eat after dismissal. We’re okay. Until one afternoon, we decided to hang out at my house. We were eating the usual merienda we would always have, turon and canton. You were silent the whole afternoon. You weren’t your usual lively self. I was curious, but maybe you weren’t feeling well. Out of the blue, you wanted the group to go home. It was still early so we were really surprised. I accompanied you guys to ride a jeep. Instead of going home you wanted to stay behind for a while. Now I’m really confused. Out of the blue, you asked me if I knew who your crush was.

“Itel?” I said with confidence.

“No, she’s someone close to you” you said.

“Jania? (another close friend of mine)”

“No, closer”

I mentioned all the names of the girls I knew, even my sister but still none was correct. So I wanted to give up, since it was getting late.

“Well, if you don’t want to tell me who your crush is, it’s okay. It’s really late now and we can just discuss this tomorrow.” I was getting worried since it was really dark and I had to get back home and finish the dishes.

“No, I need to tell this to you right now” You said with a serious tone, the look on your face desperate to express what you wanted to say.

“There is no need to rush, it’s just a crush. I can try to guess again tomorrow.” I was no longer interested in knowing since I felt like you had no plan on telling me who it really was.

And you looked at me with a serious face

“If I tell you, you have to promise that nothing will change. Promise?” I felt some sort of urgency and demand, also a bit of desperation. Unconsciously, I was readying myself of whoever that freaking girl should be. I was psyching myself to feel happy for you.

“Promise.” I replied, assuring him that we’d be good friends no matter what. But there was a part in me that was still hoping that you would say may name. That it was me that you liked.

“You.” You whispered, now looking at the ground.

“Me?” My eyes widen as I stared at you with disbelief.

“You are the one. It’s you” You were now looking straight into my eyes, without a trace of hesitation. Your stare could have taken me into a trance if we weren’t in the side walk waiting for an FX. It was like time stopped and we were the only people in this world. My heart was now beating wildly skipping beats. WOW.

I was taken aback. But, I have to relax. What if you were just joking at that time? And it was really getting late, so I had to put up a calmed face. But of course, I was dying with that twitterpatting feeling inside.

“Oh, that’s okay. I promise nothing will change. We’re still friends. Now you really need to go home, it’s really getting late.” I tried with all my effort to suppress that giddy feeling in me. I had to sound natural.

“No, there’s something missing” You said to me, straight into my eyes, feeling helpless of what was going on.

“What is missing?”  I didn’t know what you wanted more, is there anything more you needed to say besides you like me? I really thought that was enough.

“Can I court you?” You were blushing and stiff as you tried to look at me when you asked.

“Sure, but you have to leave right now. It’s really getting late and we still have classes tomorrow” I could no longer enjoy the moment since my dishes were waiting for me at home.

“No, there’s still something missing” (What else was missing?)

There was silence. I did not know if I had to say something. But I felt that if I did not reply, you would not go home. And so I said mustering all the confidence I have left within me,

 “Well, you like me, but do I like you?”

“Oh.. So… do you like me?” you innocently replied, as if you never thought of that question.
I tried to answer as casual as possible. Being the control freak that I am.

“Yah, I like you too.”  I told you as I stared at the stars that served as our roof.

“ Oh… that’s great!” You were now smiling, as if relieved of something that you wanted to hear for so long. You were now your usual energetic self, though it was really late at night. Actually all you did was clap your hands slowly which I find weird while looking at me.

Awkward silence.

“So if you like me, and I like you too… then what are we?” I was really curious to know. Now that we’ve told each other our feelings, then that makes us what?

“Are we together now? Officially together?” You looked me in the eyes as you unknowingly asked.

“Yah, I think so.” Well what else could it be? Boy likes girl plus girl liked boy back is equal to a relationship right?

“REALLY? What time is it?” I was a bit freaked out when you asked for the time. Is this some kind of time joke or something?

“Uhmm… 9:31” I replied with a wondering look.

“YES! THANK YOU SO MUCH! Goodnight Rhie, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

You excitedly replied as you hailed an fx and immediately rode off with a beaming smile. You just said thank 
you and you left. I was… astounded, speechless. I did not know if what we said then was serious. But I was happy. When I got home, I mindlessly washed the dishes as I thought about what had just happened. It kept on flashing on my head that you liked me too. And that now were together. But I had doubts; maybe it was just a dream? It was prank or a bet from your friends. But since that day, my life changed. Everything in me changed.

Being together, being with you was the best thing that happened in my life. Every day was an adventure. First thing in the morning, I would text you with sweet nothings and what not. Then we’d meet at the church near the tricycle terminal so that we’d get to go to school together. During lunch time, we’d see each other again to eat at the same spot at the cafeteria. We would always trade lunches since we were sick of the food we always had.  After classes, we would go the park nearby, sit in our favourite bench or go to our favourite flower garden and talk about everything and anything under the sun until my mom calls me to go home. We never got tired of each other. You would always accompany me to my group meetings and just watch me do my thing. There were no fancy dinners, no flowers. Everything seemed effortless and yet I did not felt that our relationship was taken for granted. We were just simply happy together. As the days go by, I got to know you more. You had this peculiar walk, a kind of walk with swag. You liked touching your nose while walking. The way you dressed was really sloppy, like you wear the first thing that you see. You hate the rain and the cold that’s why you always bring this blue jacket which I love since it always had your scent. Your thoughts ran deep, though people would think of you as the class clown. You had simple, straight forward insights about politics, life and love. You were fond of gossiping. We both liked stalking mutual friends and finding out what is happening with their lives. The way you talked about music, anime’, OPM and software jargons is full of life and enthusiasm. You disliked K-POP, and adored J-POP and J-drama. You loved drinking soft drinks, especially RC COLA. You like sleeping, but insomnia runs deep in your family. You’re a party person, but not fond of the night life. You don’t like people touching your hair. You disliked bands with no substance and quality.  Boisterous people annoy you (but you made an exception for me). You love to eat. You love kare-kare. You’re not a fan of sweets but if you had to choose, you’d prefer dark chocolate than the usual milk chocolate that I liked.  When you eat your KFC chicken, your plate should overflow with gravy. Every time we would eat, there should always be extra rice for you. That’s automatic.

We were also simple. On weekends and on dates, we would walk around a village and just talk. We never ran out of things to say to each other. When we ride shotgun on the jeep, we would usually make funny faces in front of the side mirror even though we would look silly. We liked going to malls and looking around at stuff and since our funds ran low, we would always eat at the cheapest restaurant that would make us full. After eating at Mc Donald’s, we would go to Starbucks and share a chocolate Frappe’. Every time we would sit there, we always attempted to act posh but we always end up looking like fools. When we ride the jeepney, you would take my hand and lean on my shoulder for a nap. I loved watching you sleep. The calmness in your face, the steady breathing, that comfortability that we had in that noisy vehicle, you’re just breath taking.  If it wasn’t that late you would walk me home or accompany me to the tricycle station to make sure I’d go home safe.

But our relationship isn’t always sunny. We were just like any ordinary couple. Since we had established this routine of seeing each other every 5 to 6 hours at the most, I wanted it to be consistent. I was very volatile, one minute I’m happy, and the next I’m grumpier than Grumpy the dwarf in Snow White. I kept on opening up the topic of breaking off our relationship. I kept on questioning your feelings for me. In short, I’m your typical, paranoid girlfriend. I’m so impossible to deal with that I attempted to break up with you just after a month!

But you pulled me through. Every time I would throw a tantrum, you would extend your patience and try to sway me to feel better. You always made time for me. You skipped playing DOTA with your friends for me. You were not fond of texting but you texted me as often as you can just to put my mind at ease.  When I was failing our chemistry subject, you didn’t stop teaching me until I understood the lesson. When I was rushed to the infirmary, I gave you a call and you picked me up as soon as you can. You went shopping with me even though it wasn’t really your thing. You talked the sense out of me every time I wanted run away from home, you always knew the right words to say. You just didn’t help me but also my family. You helped me design the calling card of my dad, the resume’ of my mom and with my sister’s project. You made life easier for me. You were always willing to help me. You were my guardian angel.

Despite of the fact that we did not undergo the usual courting stage, our relationship lasted quite some time. More than a year, less than three. It was a give-and-take thing. There were times when you wanted to give up and I tried to make it work, and there were times when I made life difficult for you and somehow you get to make me stay longer. But despite all that, we wanted it to work.

But there came a time when we we’re both weak. I LIED. I pretended to be someone else and tested your faithfulness. I pretended to be someone whom I know that you would actually like, your ideal girl. I texted you using a different number, tempted you to do something wrong, pushed you to the edge and placed us in a crazy situation. After ten months of deception and foolish lies, I had to tell you the truth. I knew that I should.  I know I messed up. I was desperate and absurd. I stepped on your pride and ego. My demons were strong enough to make me do something until now I regret, and will regret for the rest of my life. I used a mind game to get back to you. I cheated on you. It was my fault. Despite all the happy memories that we had, you could not see beyond the mistake that I have done. You called it off.

I didn’t know if I should tell you everything that I was feeling.  All that I could do that time is to say yes to the things that you suggested. I was in no place to bargain anything with you. It’s you who will call the shots.
But then I asked a sign, that if I could hear our song play without me searching or playing it on purpose, then I should go and talk to you. It was an old OPM song so I felt it was impossible for me to hear it anytime soon.

May 31, 2012 -  My student cancelled our scheduled tutorial so I decided to go to Trinoma to canvass for an instrument I was interested to learn. As I entered the mall, I heard a familiar voice on the background. I knew the song. But I was curious since the mall did not usually play these kinds of songs unless there was something happening or about to happen. I walked slowly and I knew who the singer was… Rico Blanco. I rushed to the activity center and I found out that he will be having a mall tour today! Of all days that I’ll be going to Trinoma, and of all the artists that would mall tour on the date it should be on this day and Rico Blanco together. I listened intently to the background as I walked mindlessly around the mall, no doubt, Your Universe, our song was playing. I was in shock. I stood there dumbfounded.  The mall tour was about to begin and so I decided to watch. Rico Blanco played all my favourite songs, Himala, Bye Bye na, Antukin and he sang my sign song, Your Universe, live. I was like a fool crying as I watched him perform every song that you once sang for me. It’s ironic that the same artist who was the reason why we got close in that public concert would also be the reason to face you in person to have the guts to talk to you about the break up. After the show, I bought a CD and asked him to sign it, and dedicate it to you. As soon as the meet and greet was done, I rushed to your house, feeling nervous and anxious. Would you be there at your house? What if your girl friend was there too? What would your parents say when they see me? Should I even go to your house this late? A lot of questions in my head. What should I say when I get to see you? Should I cry and beg you to come back? What should I do? But still, the sign that I got was clear. So, I went to your house. I know I should not go but something inside tells me that I should. I did not know what I wanted say or what I wanted to happen. I slowly walked to your computer shop. I took a deep breath and moved the curtains for me to see if you were around. I saw you. You were wearing a white loose shirt and long board shorts playing this video game and eating bread at the same time. You were surprised to see me.  You went outside and asked me why I was there. You invited me to walk around the village. When you asked me what I wanted to say, I blurted out everything. I was hoping that things could go back the way they used to be.  All that I could say was sorry, sorry, sorry. You listened to me without interest, with no care. Your eyes dead of what usually seemed the life of you. When you heard of enough, you told me to stop.

“Rhie, I love her, I really do.” You whispered.

I was taken aback. I did not know what to say.  I stopped walking. All that I could do is hit the wall with my bare fist. I could not feel the impact of every hit. All that I could feel is the lost that I had just gained. Hearing it, straight from you is worse than the rumours my friends told me. You tried to stop me. You held my hand though you no longer wanted to. You wanted me to punch you instead, but I can’t. I’ve lost you.. I did not understand, I couldn’t. You, who wrote me love letters and love songs and held my hand for hours. You who brushed my bangs away from my face since you said that seeing my face made you smile. You who saved my life a couple of times from physical and emotional pain, who talks the sense out of me every time I felt like the world conspires to get to my nerves. You who promised to never get tired of me. You left me. 
Since the break-up, every day was a challenge. Most of my days, I did not want to wake up. For me, there was not enough reason to get off my bed and do something. I could just stay and feel sorry for myself all day. Seeing your pictures with her on facebook was like having my soul being torn to pieces little by little. Nothing was positive. The world could end right now and I couldn’t care less. The pain inside me was overwhelming. A part of me was taken away by you. It was like my lungs were being ripped apart, my intestines being crumpled and my heart just feeling it all. My heart wasn’t breaking but taking all the emotions in were more difficult to bear. It would have been easier if my heart would just break and get it over with. I had to even change my name when I got to my new college ‘cause I could not bear hearing my name since you’ve been gone. It was my system that was failing. The world continued to turn even though I was in a state of shock. But more than the pain, what hurts the most is the little things that you left behind:  the way you were perfectly imperfect, everything about you haunted me.  I could go on… But more than I miss us, I miss you.
I had to battle it one step at a time; an hour, a day, a month and now a year at a time. I had my friends that constantly supported me and made me feel that losing you should not be equal to losing me. I had no special other to help me get through the situation I’m in. I was alone and I had to take it all in all by myself. There was no other way, I had to move on. Or so I thought I did.

And a year later still I feel it all. I felt it again, the emptiness, the loss and the longing. I was on my back on top of a wall. It was dark and all I could see are the lights of the nearby golf course. I was staring at the sky. Time heals all wounds, as all my friends would tell me. But it’s already been a year and I still feel this way. I’m now stronger, but still the whole you left is still here. The pain never left. Well, I got used to the pain that it becomes unnoticeable but somehow, it surpasses the threshold and I feel it all over again. 
It’s been a year and I was still able to write all this stuff about you. I won’t lie that thoughts of us still linger in my head. That maybe, there is still hope for this story of ours to end the way we thought it would 4 years ago. But we have changed, and I should have accepted this fact a long time ago.  That what we had is now nothing but a past memory that should no longer be recalled, that there is no reason for us to talk or chat about our lives. Maybe I’ve just clung too much to the words you told me, that I believed in every word of it. But with whatever that makes you happy, me not being part of that happiness, I’d gladly accept that.

I don’t know if this fiction/non-fiction would help. But it would really be nice to get to talk to you casually again.

“You are a gem, rarest of them all, never forget that.”

Monday, January 28, 2013

FYI. I'm not bitter.

It's crazy how people think that I'm going bitter all the time. Well, I can't help it if I really stopped believing in that stupid concept called love and my advices are always for the betterment of women for I am a feminist. It's been more than 8 months since the break up and it seems everyone is still caught up in the issue, but it doesn't mean that I'm bitter! No I am not! BUT EVERYBODY THINKS I'M BITTER. Like, WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?!? Yes, I maybe agitated sometimes and loud, but that's really how I roll. I can't help it. It doesn't mean that I give realistic advices, I'm still bitter. I concede to the fact that I AM FREAKING COMPETITIVE. But, give me a break. I already admitted that the break up was my fault. I took full blame! You are in a happy relationship and I am still in a freaking state of fright from commitment. What else do you want from me honestly? I am really trying to move on. Like real time move on, but I can't get you. I really can't. I thought you've forgiven me already but why can't you shake my hand to cross the house? Why do you keep looking at me (yes, I noticed you and there are pictures to prove it) And, why shake my friends'  hands? Why were you affected during dinner about the comments I've been making? What else do you want from me? Why can't we just be civil and professional? You told me that we're okay, we broke up and it seemed like we were okay. I didn't want to talk to you nor say hi 'cause I keep on considering that I don't want to cause any drama or I might seem like flirting you or anything. I also don't want to give your girlfriend a reason to harass me on facebook or anything. I'm done with the drama. What I can't understand is that why are you affected????? What the hell???? You have a girlfriend who loves you and I'm freaking working hard to get over you. Just... I don't know... It's so hard.... I really don't know....

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Finding you

December 21, 2012
The Mayan Calendar says it’s the end of the world. I don’t believe it though. But with that prediction given, I spent my Mayan last day of existence with my high school best friends at the UST Paskuhan 2012. Yup, I chose to spend my last day on the Mayan earth not with my family, but with my besties, and the long lines, the OPM bands and amazing fireworks. Honestly, I just wanted to grab that 0.99% chance of seeing you again. I thought that last year, you went with your friends, maybe, I might be able to see you, before the world ends (if ever). Seeing my best friends again after one semester was like we never parted. The feeling was as if we were always around each other (which we were theoretically). The band that was playing when we got in the UST grounds was Join the Club. I could clearly remember you recounting your bitter stories about the drummer that was supposed to be the band mate of your cousins so that they’d be able to reach stardom but he chose that other band. I couldn’t tell it to my friends ‘cause they’d think I’m being emotional again, recounting memories of you. They sang their one hit single “nobela” which was such a happy song (did you see my sarcasm there). I was looking around my surroundings hoping I’d see you or your friends or whoever but of course you weren’t there. I didn’t see you, with all the people and noise and the probability of you going to the event. It was just impossible. Afterwards, December Avenue played, never heard of them though. And then Mayonnaise, you love ‘em. I… partied with their song “Jopay”, if I could sing that song to you, I would, and I would mean every word of it… (did you see the desperation there? Yes, like a hopeless romantic fool. This what happened to me after you left) After that was the AMAZING FIREWORKS. At first, the fireworks… sucked. It was like… BLAH. But then when the real Thomasian Paskuhan fireworks displayed, it was breath-taking. How I wish you could see it. You would love it. And I would love the view more, if you were just around. The amazing 5 minute spectacle seemed like forever, and for a while, I forgot the loneliness as the fleeting lights entertained my lonely heart. It’s been more than 7 months since we broke up. And to me, it still seems like everything happened yesterday. PATHETIC, I know. After the amazing show, Paraluman was next to play their songs, another band with just a one hit wonder. But it seemed like people really knew their songs, is it just me and my friends or the crowd is really… updated? After Paraluman, your favourite band (insert sarcasm) SPONGECOLA was next. My friends verified that you would never come to an event with spongecola in it. With all the four songs that they played, I NEVER sang to any of it. I just stood there, imagining what your reaction would be if you were there. Maybe you would be jumping with sarcasm and cursing left and right but you’d look at me with those gorgeous eyes and still… make me fall in love all over again. I had to hit myself a couple of times to wake up from the hallucination I was experiencing. I wanted to like the band, party with the songs they played that really suck but how do I let go of something I’ve grown to hate? Something you taught me, something that defined the music that I should like? All those somethings I should just throw them away? To think about it, If I couldn’t let go of the principles and habits I’ve grown to love and hate with you, how the hell will I be able to let go of you? To let go of the memories of you? To let go of my feelings for you? How? If I couldn’t at least try or I am not able to do it, will I ever be able to move on from you? After the event, the world did not end. I was hoping though, so that I wouldn’t need to think about what just happened with my night. There were lovers, left and right, all around the area. IT WAS TORTURE, believe me (which would be difficult to do after that twisted thing that I did to you). Well, all I really wanted to say is… that I miss you still, a lot. And that I’m still not over you. Maybe I will never be.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Visiting you...

I'm supposed to be asleep by now. But I realized that I haven't been writing lately in my journal. So I had to trace back everything I did since Oct. 1 up to present. I couldn't recall some dates so I decided to go online and check on some of my old posts so I could remember what I have been doing lately. As i browsed my Facebook pages, I visited our school page and followed a certain post. I saw your name as I scrolled down the comments box and you had a different profile picture. My heart skipped a beat. It wasn't the same feeling though 5 months ago when every time I saw your name I just couldn't breathe and my being seizes to function properly. I thought to myself, I should face my fears. Well, I don't fear you, but... I fear on what I might see. So I just went for it. I visited your profile and saw your gorgeous smile, usual cover photo. Its odd on how checking your profile before was as simple as eating or sleeping, it was like a habit. But now, it was... weird, like a forbidden thing to do. Well, it might help me face the reality that things have changed and won't be the same anymore. It's taking me a long time I think. At least, your happy pictures give me and

I haven't done it in a while, it lasted for a second but still it has the same paralyzing effect. Seeing you on the screen made me feel that you did existed once in my life, but pressing the back button made me realize how swiftly you also left. 

But even though I've pressed the back button doesn't mean i won't be visiting it again, not any time soon but it won't be the last visit.